Marcy Crawford
Editor’s Note: A practitioner was in the midst of a major mid-life transition and was feeling grief, and a sense of loneliness, and an old voice was telling her that she should be able to handle the situation more skillfully. At the same time, her friends were unable to acknowledge the difficulty of navigating the transition or her sadness. The cultural message was to simply ignore the feelings or to “put on a happy face.” She asked Marcy how her practice could help her find clarity and equanimity with her conditions and the reality that “most people can’t cope with the fact of any sadness or difficulty.”
I see no evidence of that being helpful, to refuse to cope with the fact of sadness or difficulty. What do people get for that other than a lack of self-awareness that leads them to cause more suffering in the world. What choice do we really have but to acknowledge what’s painful in life so that at least we can be clearer and inflict less harm on others and on ourselves?
There was a mom in my community who died tragically a few weeks ago, and this theme that you’re talking about came up strongly for me when a friend told me about it, how harmful is this messaging in society that people are supposed to be happy. It’s a delicate balance because clinical depression is a real thing, too, and it’s not that we want people to be depressed, but it’s not black and white; we’re also not supposed to be happy all the time. That’s not natural either, but people get that idea because it’s in the very air we breathe. Most people don’t realize that there’s this pressure to be something that, because it’s not natural, they can’t be, and that pressure makes depression more likely and causes even more harm.
There’s another kind of happiness that we talk about as meditators, happiness independent of conditions. What we mean when we say that is equanimity. This kind of equanimity isn’t simply giddiness, walking around with a smile on our face all the time. Rather, it’s the capacity to be okay with what is, what we can’t change, no matter what. So, I was telling my friend, look at the examples in nature, look at the animals and the trees. We’re not supposed to be happy all the time, we’re just supposed to be alive. We’re supposed to be alive, that’s what life wants. Notice when we’re happy, appreciate that; notice when we’re suffering and in pain and acknowledge that, too. Refusing to acknowledge when we’re suffering and in pain just leads to more suffering and pain, for ourselves and others.